I figured it was inevitable that eventually I was gonna have to spill my guts about how I feel about Christmas music. Today’s the day, and I ain’t holdin’ nothing back.
If there’s anything in the world I’m beefin’ about, it’s Christmas music. Now, before you tar and feather me, hear me out. Christmas music is AIGHT. (Not alright. AIGHT. There’s a difference). Whether you like it or not, it’s only possible to remake “O Holy Night” and “In The Bleak Midwinter” before they’ve been run so far in the ground that they pop out in China (I used to think that ish was real). Let me say this, though, and listen good because there’s not a joking bone in my body. Anything Christmas-related that Steven Curtis Chapman touches turns to straight gold. I’m talkin’ Notre Dame helmet, “He went to Jared,” 24 carrot GOLD (because “carrots” are better for your eyes than “karats”).
Some of the most underrated Christmas songs of all time are as follows:
“Go Tell it on the Mountain”- This is for all you Patagonia wearin’, Young Life leadin’, chaco tannin’ folks out there. WHY don’t you guys give this song more love?! I mean come on! It’s about chillin’ on whatever oversized hill you’re instagramming from and telling OTHER hippie hikers about Da Christ Child. Pure brilliant! Plus, it sounds like Mumford and Sons and the Lumineers wrote it together while sitting in a local outdoorsy coffee shop in some Northwest US city. What more could you ask for?! (Disclaimer: I own a patagonia shirt AND was a Young Lifer in my day. So I got nothin but love. AND I’ve instagrammed a sunset from the top of an oversized hill. SUE ME).
“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”- To me, whoever wrote this was all like, “Hey all you guys out there, thanks for opening the car doors for your ladies. Be happy and take a nap.” What could possibly be anymore heartwarming than that?! What I HATE is when a super emo band like Blink 182 or Green Day does a version of this and it’s like “Ohh tidings of comfort and joy AGGHHHH I HATE YOU SUSIEEEE.” Not cool, Green Day. We should have waited til December ended to wake you up, you busters.
Teamwork makes the dream work. What does that have to do with Christmas? CHOIRS. Choirs really set Christmas apart because it’s the only time that people give a dang about them. But not handbells. Handbells are still WEAK, no matter what time of year it is. Sorry, grandma. If my wife turns 50 one day and decides she wants to play the handbells, I’m gonna tell her to at least lose one of the gloves and play them Michael Jackson style. How awesome would that be? Everyone in the handbell choir in red sparkly MJ-style jackets wearing only one of the white gloves playing “We Are The World.” I’m patenting that for when I’m Chris Hanchey’s “Associate Minister of Music” one day at First Baptist Podunkville, so don’t even try to steal it.
Christmas music, ladies and gentlemen. Love it or hate it. But don’t EVER let me catch you singing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” because that junk ain’t funny.